Did you ever feel like you want to isolate yourself from others and just have some peace? Have you then ever wondered whether it is actually a sign of something you should heal or whether it is a healthy step given your current situation? Here is what my higher self had to say about this topic.

Ancient Atlanteans said that everything repeats in cycles of 4 stages:

  • Expression
  • Experimentation
  • Integration and
  • Transcendence.

Dr. Sue Morter, the author of a great self-help book The Energy Codes, calls these general phases:

  • Create
  • Sustain
  • Deconstruct and
  • Void.

The same applies to us as we play out our soul contract on the path of a wounded healer. Now if you think that you are not a healer and therefore this isn’t relevant for you, I assure you that almost everybody on Earth right now falls into this category, whether we realize it or not.

So specifically for the path of a wounded healer, these 4 overarching stages are:

  1. Deepening the lesson
  2. Awakening
  3. Healing ourselves
  4. Transcendence and overflow

In addition to this idea, let me also remind you the vibrational scale of our state of being and emotions as described by Dr. Hawkins. This can help you to visualize the ideas better.

Vibratory scale

1. Deepening the lesson

This is the stage when we experience the contrast of unpreferred situations. By exploring the environment we chose for ourselves as a soul, we are experiencing “This is how it feels when XYZ happens in this way.” It often comes in a form of a trauma or at least in a form of discomfort. We are also learning basic coping or survival mechanisms and what works and what doesn’t work for us.

Although escape from the unpreferred situations can feel somehow relieving, at this stage, we don’t typically think about separating from others too much because we believe that we don’t have any other choice than having to go through the XYZ experience the way it is laid out before us.

When we come across the idea of separation from others, it is often connected to feeling guilty about these thoughts and we usually stop exploring it further in order to be a “good girl” or a “good boy”.

Depression, anxiety, sadness, grief, helplessness, apathy, blame, guilt and similar very low emotions are a typical sign that we are in this stage.

And please don’t take me wrong – there is absolutely nothing bad about being in this stage! Every good story starts with a challenge that the hero has to overcome 🙂 And you are the hero of your own life story!

Yet we didn’t learn enough to see through the lessons just yet and thus we typically identify with a role of a victim. “Something bad is happening to us and there is nothing we can do about it.” is a common belief at this time.

2. Awakening

Awakening is a stage full of new ahaas in which we start realizing that we are not alone in having certain challenges and that there are others who choose to respond to those situations in a more positive way. We are inspired and we start collecting new ideas that make sense to us. We are looking for new people who resonate with us better, new places we prefer more etc.

We are also gathering strength and courage to make decisions to change what doesn’t work and we are likely overcoming fear of committing ourselves to walking a different path. Often than not, this feels like going against the mainstream, against your culture, against the way how you were raised, etc.

We may realize that we are in a place or a situation which is not exactly aligned with our highest interest and that we have the power to choose whether we want to stay in the toxic environment or to leave those situations even if somebody tells us that we shouldn’t.

It is very unlikely to heal your physical body when you are in the middle of a battlefield and you are constantly dodging incoming bullets. In the same way, it is very hard to gain your self-esteem if somebody keeps bringing you down, holds you back, mocks you, yells at you or even hits you.

Therefore it shouldn’t be a surprise that it is very common in this phase that we feel the need to intentionally separate even from our families when the situation becomes obviously too toxic. We simply want to create more space for us so we can breathe without judgement at least for a moment. And each such moment feels precious which then leads us to extending those moments more and more until we leave altogether.

Some examples would be leaving an abusive partner, leaving a country engaged in war, separating from overprotective parents, etc.

When we realize that we don’t have to sacrifice our needs to please others anymore, often for the first time in our lives we start communicating out loud more clearly what hurts us and people around us may be very shocked with this sudden change. They can even blame you for how helpless they feel about it. It is common that they don’t want to admit that they’ve done something to hurt you and you can hear statements like

  • What did you do to my good son?
  • Where did this rage come from?
  • I don’t think I deserve this tone!
  • What’s wrong with you?
  • You have changed! I don’t know who you are anymore.
  • You are so selfish!
  • You are impolite!
  • Show some gratitude boy!
  • It has always worked that way! What’s your problem?
  • Is this what I get for raising you?
  • etc.

Emotionally, this stage tends to be connected to anger, rage and courage as we may need to sort of fight our way to the refuge after being chased into a corner. We are looking for any form of relief and shelter – where nobody can hurt us anymore.

3. Healing ourselves

You have changed! We're supposed to!

There comes a time when a caterpillar goes into its chrysalis and temporarily isolates itself so it can transform into its advanced form. And the same applies to us. We temporarily push away all external distractions to give ourselves space to transform from within.

This is probably the most sensitive stage because we are very vulnerable. We need a safe environment for our healing, we typically don’t have the support we used to have anymore and we are not strong enough yet to withstand any whirlwinds around us on our own either.

At this stage, it is very natural for us that we need to spend time on our own as much as possible. And this may include even our non-toxic friends and people who have done nothing wrong. Of course, we benefit from having somebody supportive around. Yet mostly, this is a time of self-reflection, self-discovery and self-realization. We are re-discovering who we are, what are our own core values, what we believe in, what makes sense to us, what are our priorities and goals, our visions, what we have learnt, what we can do differently in a more positive way, etc. And it is impossible to find answers to these essential questions anywhere outside. We have to go within.

We are also learning that other people may have completely different sets of values than us and that it is absolutely OK if we are not all the same. We learn about the importance of diversity and how being our unique true self benefits everyone more than anything else.

Others may be disappointed that they don’t see us as often as they used to anymore and they may wonder if they did something wrong to make us disconnect. In these cases, I recommend to not ignore their worries. Be transparent and honest to help them understand what is going on. You can say something like:

I understand. Please rest assured that there is nothing wrong with you. Do you know how caterpillars isolate themselves into a cocoon so they can transform into a butterfly? I am going through something similar. I really need space for myself right now when I am not influenced by anybody else’s opinions of who I should be. I want to find out who I actually am and nobody can answer that for me. So please be patient with me. The more space you give me without any interruptions, the faster I am going to go through it. I will let you know on my own when I feel ready to reconnect and then I will share what I’ve gone through.

Those who really care about you will understand and will honor your wish even if it may feel triggering for them. Those who don’t accept this statement may get a warning

I asked you to give me space for a while. I really mean it. If you don’t stop texting me, you will give me no other choice but to block you so I can truly focus on myself. I don’t want to block you. It is your choice.

Make it clear that this is their choice and based on what they choose, there may be consequences. Well, and if they still don’t respect your needs, then you don’t need to feel guilty to do what they have chosen and block them until you feel it is not needed anymore. You are not responsible for their actions and they were warned.

During this stage, many of our friends will naturally fall away. As we literally become a new person, many won’t like the new version of us and it is important to be OK with letting them go. We often find out that we don’t have anything to say to one another, that we don’t enjoy shallow conversations anymore, we start seeing the wounds and self-sabotaging patterns of the old relationships and we are not comfortable with supporting these patterns anymore. And that is all part of the process. Nothing wrong.

But rest assured that like attracts like and just as we start spontaneously repel people who are incompatible with our new state of being, we will also attract new people who are on the same wavelength. So the closer we get to the next phase, the more important it is to open up again and start exploring new opportunities to connect to like-minded people all over the world.

Emotionally, this stage is connected to neutrality, curiosity, willingness, acceptance and getting more clarity. We are also learning how to experience the higher vibration emotions like love, joy and bliss on ourselves first. Our focus is typically on self-love and filling our own cup to eventually overflow instead of draining ourself for others.

Mastering forgiveness and Hoʻoponopono (look this term up :-)) will be one of your best “friends” in this chapter of your life.

4. Transcendence and overflow


When we finally emerge from our chrysalis, evolved, stable and with a strong sense of who we are, a new stage opens. At this stage, we want to give back to the world and share what we have learnt. We want to help others to find inner peace similarly as we did by ourselves.

We are now confident that it is us who are behind the steering wheel of our life and any tantrums and agendas of others don’t affect us in a negative way anymore. The original idea of being a victim is now replaced by a firm knowing that we are the director of our life story and that nobody has power over us unless we give it up to them.

At this time, we tend to break the temporary barriers we created before that allowed for our healing because they are not necessary anymore.

This is the stage when bringing people back together becomes one of the priorities because now we have an inspiring journey to share, a story of success that other people can recognize and choose to follow (or not).

Emotionally, we start experiencing even stronger higher vibration emotions because it really feels good when we help others without sacrificing ourself. It amplifies the recognition of our purpose on Earth and we tend to become far happier with everything we already have and the way it is.

We not only processed our traumas but we actually appreciate them as we have a deep understanding of why they were necessary and what we learned thanks to going through them. The experience has become our strength and we are that much more effective in assisting others who are exploring similar themes in their life.

Our happiness isn’t as much dependent on something or somebody needing to change. Instead, we choose to see meaning in everything and discern when we need to act and when it is OK to let things unfold in their own way to serve their purpose from a neutral point of view, without judgement.

And even though life still continues to be full of surprises, challenges tend to be rather exciting twists in our story and almost like a treasure hunt!

How exciting! I wonder what new golden nugget I will discover in the end of this adventure!

Hi there 👋

If you don't want to miss any future updates or offers, you can subscribe to the email notifications.

Of course, you can unsubscribe at any time.

Subscribe to:

We don’t spam! Read our privacy policy for more info.

1 thought on “When is it healthy to separate yourself from others? 4 stages of healing on a path of a “wounded healer”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *